Where Conflict Starts…

In my experience as a couples counsellor, much of the conflict I see doesn’t start with shouting or betrayal.

It starts silently — in the space between what one person hoped for and what the other never knew they were supposed to do.

A large percentage of conflict begins with unmet expectations.

More specifically: unstated unmet expectations.

If there’s one thing to take from this page it’s this… ‘Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.’

I love that phrase — it’s harsh, but it hits the truth.

When we place expectations on someone, and especially ones we’ve never said out loud, we create a kind of silent contract.

One they’ve never seen, let alone signed.

And when they don’t meet that silent expectation, we feel let down.

Disappointed.

Frustrated.

Even angry.

I often hear people say things like:

“They should know what I need.”

“I shouldn’t have to say it.”

“Anyone who cared would’ve just known.”

But these aren’t really statements about the other person’s awareness or abilities.

They’re projections… of our own emotional logic onto someone else’s mind.

We expect people to read our cues, to match our standards, to just know.

But how can they meet a standard they’ve never been shown?

Now, this doesn’t mean we throw expectations out altogether.

Boundaries and standards are healthy.

They help define how we want to be treated.

But expectations only become fair when they’re clear, shared, and shaped by reality.

So instead of asking, “Why aren’t they meeting my needs?” Ask:

Have I explained what this need looks like in everyday life?

Have I explained why it’s important to me?

Have I made it possible for them to succeed at meeting it?

Is this expectation realistic for who they are right now?

Before holding others accountable, we need to hold ourselves accountable…

For saying what we need, instead of silently hoping they guess right.

Clear expectations create a shared understanding. They make you less complicated to the other.

Spoken needs open the door to mutual care.

Because no one is a mind reader.

As always, please remember that this is just a glimpse into a subject that’s much bigger than this page. We are here to help should you want to explore further… we have some great tips on how to both listen and be heard.

www.menscounselling.co.uk

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