Contempt makes intimacy extremely difficult because nobody wants to become vulnerable with someone who looks down on them..
Think about that for a moment.
Intimacy requires closeness, it requires us to let our guard down. It asks us to reveal parts of ourselves that we might otherwise keep hidden: our insecurities, our fears, our uncertainties and the things we're not particularly proud of.
It requires a willingness to be seen, not just as we would like others to see us, but as we actually are.
But how willing are we to do that with someone who makes us feel inferior?
Someone who responds to our opinions with ridicule, our mistakes with disdain or our vulnerabilities with criticism?
We might continue sharing a home, raising a family, having conversations and going through the routines of everyday life, but something important begins to disappear.
We become more guarded.
We think twice before speaking. We withhold things we might once have shared. We become less inclined to reach out because the possibility of being dismissed or made to feel foolish becomes greater than the desire to connect.
And, gradually, emotional distance takes the place of intimacy.
The difficulty with contempt is that it communicates something far more damaging than disagreement. It communicates superiority. It places one person above the other, suggesting that their thoughts, feelings or experiences are somehow less worthy of consideration.
And nobody wants to feel that way in a relationship that is supposed to offer acceptance and belonging.
Of course, respect doesn't mean agreeing with everything someone says or approving of everything they do. We can disagree, challenge, become frustrated and express disappointment without diminishing another person's worth.
There's a difference between challenging someone's behaviour and making them feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with who they are. We can do so with kindness.
One leaves room for understanding and growth. The other creates defensiveness and distance.
Perhaps we should occasionally ask ourselves not just whether we love someone, but how we make them feel when they're around us. It would reveal much if we were to ask them:
Do they feel comfortable expressing themselves? Can they admit to getting something wrong without fearing humiliation? Can they share something personal without wondering whether it will later be used against them?
Because the quality of our relationships isn't measured solely by how much affection we express, but also by how safe we make it for another person to be themselves.
We sometimes wonder why someone has become distant, why they no longer share as much or why the closeness we once enjoyed seems to have disappeared.
Perhaps the answer isn't always that they've changed.
Perhaps they've simply learned that being open with us comes at too great an emotional cost.
We cannot continually make someone feel small and expect them to feel safe enough to open themselves up to us.
Closeness isn't something we can demand. It's something we help create through the way we treat one another.
And perhaps we should remember this:
Respect and the kindness it contains… is the door closeness walks through.