Here's one of the ways I avoid becoming offended whenever someone is rude or disrespectful towards me.
I tell myself they can't help it.
Is that always true? That they can't help it?
No.
But it is true that we are all, to some extent, by-products of our lived experiences.
And it's reasonable to assume that many people who are rude, inconsiderate and harsh are themselves products of environments where rudeness, inconsideration and harshness were commonplace… or perhaps developed as a coping/defence mechanism against these.
I don't know what they've been through.
But I do know what I've been through. I know what has helped pull me through, and I know that many other people are still on their path of recovery, while others may not have begun theirs.
Maybe they don't know how to consider my feelings because nobody ever considered theirs or taught them how to.
Maybe they expect me to have tough skin because life gave them cuts and scars.
Maybe they don't know softness or kindness because their circumstances taught them to become hard.
Perhaps they've spent so long protecting themselves that they've forgotten how to be considerate of others.
Either way, they may expect me to take responsibility for my emotions while having little understanding of how to access, regulate or take responsibility for their own.
The reality is that many people become their trauma without ever recognising it.
Some of us overcome our circumstances, while others are overcome by them.
And those who are overcome by their past can find themselves projecting their learned fears, insecurities and distorted ways of thinking onto the people around them.
They've become conditioned for contention and contempt.
We know the expression: hurt people hurt people.
But I'm not obliged to receive it.
I can recognise that someone's behaviour may have its roots in pain without making that pain my responsibility. I can have compassion for their circumstances without excusing their behaviour or allowing it to compromise my own wellbeing.
So I tell myself they can't help it.
But maybe I can help them.
Perhaps not by changing them, correcting them or trying to make them understand. Sometimes the kindest thing I can do is simply not return their behaviour.
So I wish them well, and then I keep it moving.
Because understanding someone else's wounds doesn't mean I have to stand in the path of their bleeding. And having compassion for others should never require abandoning compassion for myself.
As always, please remember that this is just a glimpse into a subject that’s much bigger than this page. We are here to help should you want to explore further the things that may be holding you back and ways to improve them.
Men’s counselling - Scarborough Filey Bridlington
Relationship counselling - Scarborough Filey
Counselling Scarborough
Counselling near me