Control in Conflict…

Have you ever stopped to consider what control looks like during a conflict?

Most people assume it means controlling a situation or another person

And this is why we talk over each other…

We interrupt

We escalate

We dominate

We've been conditioned to believe that if we can control the room we won't lose the argument

But there are two forms of control we need to be aware of: Situational control and self-control

And most people sacrifice one to achieve the other

We'll focus on controlling the environment

Or controlling other people

But not on controlling ourselves

So we become dominating not accommodating

Ultimately winning battles in the moment but losing the one dominated

On the other hand we'll focus on controlling our emotions and appearances but effectively allowing everything else to unravel around us

We may endure conflict silently, thinking that we're virtuous for not reacting

When in fact we are retreating

From responsibility

True control during conflict is actually complimentary

It's most effective when your self-control earns you situational control

When you regulate your tone so the room can settle

When you manage your pace so others can think

When you give space and listen while others express

When you respond with clarity so that the issue can come into focus

Control isn't something you grab in conflict

It's something you model

And when done well it doesn't demand

But instead invites others to follow your lead

It doesn’t escalate… it elevates each other

It’s a control whose orientation is ‘what I want from this conversation is for each to be in a better place than where we began’

Now that’s a control worth practising