What if conflict became confusion seeking understanding..?

Most approaches to conflict resolution begin with the assumption that the problem is the other person.

We naturally see ourselves as the protagonist of our own story. We empathise with our own experience. We understand our own intentions. We know why we said what we said and did what we did.

Sometimes we cast ourselves as the victim… the one who has been hurt, misunderstood, mistreated, or wronged.

Sometimes we take the role of the hero… the truth teller, the justice seeker, the one who will make things right.

What we rarely do is see ourselves as the antagonist.

That role we usually reserve for somebody else.

The trouble is that the ego has a built in self-serving bias. It works hard to maintain a good image of who we are and, as a result, we often struggle to see how our own actions contribute to conflict. We become highly skilled in spotting the faults of others while remaining largely blind to our own.

When that happens, self-awareness gives way to self-protection.

We stop observing our emotions and start obeying them.

We become less curious and more certain.

Less reflective and more reactive.

More wired for conflict and less available for understanding.

So what about a reframe… what if we consider:

What if the problem isn't only out there?

What if some of it is in here?

Our narrative identity almost always places us in the most favourable light. That's human. But it can also prevent us from seeing what we most need to see.

So perhaps one of the most useful questions we can ask ourselves during conflict is this:

"How might I be the villain in someone else's story?"

Not because we are villains.

Not because we should condemn ourselves.

But because there may be something we're missing.

Something we have contributed

Something we have misunderstood.

Something we need to learn.

Instead of certainty defending itself, what if conflict became confusion seeking understanding?

This is the essence of dialectical thinking: the ability to hold more than one truth at the same time.

I may have been hurt… And I may have hurt you.

I may have good intentions… And still have caused harm.

I may be right about some things… And wrong about others.

The ego dislikes these contradictions. It prefers certainty. It wants a clear hero and a clear villain.

Life is rarely that simple.

The courage to see ourselves as good people who are capable of doing harmful things changes the nature of conflict.

A standoff becomes a conversation.

Opponents become collaborators.

Defensiveness gives way to curiosity.

And understanding has a chance to emerge.

Because sometimes the path out of conflict begins the moment we stop asking,

"Who's the villain here?"

and start asking,

"What am I missing that would be useful to know?"

It feels good, being part of a team.